Connecting with Others and The Gift of Self: How Presence and Attention Goes Far Beyond Verbal Communication
In an attempt to engage with myself on a deeper level and to stimulate my curiosity, need for seclusion, and afford myself a break from focusing on filling others’ cups, I’ve selected one day a week where I do exactly what I want to do — and I do it solo. What was once Sundays is now Solo Saturdays and I look forward to these days with great anticipation.
This summer was marked by trips to the beach where I just read poetry, whatever book(s) I happened to throw in my bag, listened to some of my best playlists, and maybe threw in a tarot reading here and there. As the weather shifted, I began to look at other adventures and I found myself on an absolutely gorgeous Saturday in New Orleans.
I filled my day with things that make my heart sing — meandering back and forth between some of my favorite pieces in the New Orleans Museum of Art, strolling around the Bywater, having lunch in a quiet bakery, reading in a courtyard at a local bookshop, and shopping at a Magazine Street thrift store. It was such a restorative day and I got to see a part of me that has been dormant for so very long.
I have found myself distant, disengaged, and inward focused lately. After about 8 months of unrelenting emotional pain the only option that feels as though it fits is to turn inward. Above all else, I crave an internal understanding; I don’t have much patience or desire to entertain others and in this, I feel selfish. Perhaps it is, or, perhaps I’m doing what I need to in order to heal, refresh myself, and get back to giving the best of me to those who the matter most.
I loathe the silent treatment, I believe it is a form of emotional abuse — whether intended or not — and firmly hold that if you have to retreat, you communicate this need with your connections. In the clearest terms, we should provide our nearest and dearest with enough details that ensures our connections that this has nothing to do with them and is an internal process which has taken precedence over everything else. Once this has been communicated, I cannot say that I believe anything else is owed.
The interim, however, is marked by a piercing and sometimes uncomfortable silence.
This plan must be working because I’ve found myself missing those small selfless acts, making someone smile, stimulating my intellectual twin’s curiosity, and so on. This is exactly where I am, no more and no less — I want to meaningfully engage, but not in ways that overstimulate me.
I asked myself — in the presence of reduced engagement how do you:
- Show others you care?
- Communicate in ways that nurture multiple relationships while not stimulating a sense of pressing and overwhelming urgency?
- Demonstrate your compassion, love, and interest in ways that are engaging but passive?
- Put yourself first while investing in others in small but meaningful ways?
Simply put, how do we create opportunities for intimacy in your relationships? People believe intimacy is a grand gesture or that it is relegated to the confines of a romantic relationship; neither of these could be further from the truth.
My partner and I demonstrate intimacy between one another and with our son by doing things like: hiding a little prize on the computer keyboard, putting a towel in the dryer while they’re in the shower to warm it up, putting notes in lunchboxes, tapping in to take care of an errand or a commitment to afford the other person solo time, and so on. I feel these examples satisfy each of the 4 points above and they’re small things that truly are game-changers.
And guess what? These passive engagements actually improve communication — while deploying this model of healing, I have increased feelings of being seen, heard, appreciated, and valued. In the absence of words and physical presence, we become stronger with these tools.
Truly, actions speak louder than words and when we create an economy of caring deeds and investment in others through actions, our words become numbered and in this reduction, they become far more powerful.
What, then, do we do for folks with whom we do not share a home or other physical space? Easy, same sort of things — lean into that element of surprise:
I like to do front-porch drop offs.
I love to bake and I’ll do (cup)cakes, cookies, whatever and do a drop and run, sending a text when I’m leaving the neighborhood: “check your front door!” I’ve left notes on cars — with my partner, I used to stop by his work to leave a prize on his steering wheel for him to discover after getting off from a shift. Another favorite is sharing plants that I’ve propagated which provides living beauty for someone’s space.
When we can’t find the words or drive to speak, we can let others do the talking.
I’m a fan of meme sharing but possibly more than that, sharing of music which I consider to be a sort of love language. Along the same lines, I personally know very few folks who appreciate poetry but I’ll send one to those who enjoy this sort of art. For others, I share my tradition of reading one random Wikipedia article a day.
Bonus points to those who know when I don’t really want to communicate, I just want to drop it at your feet with the vibe of a wink and kiss and back away.
A text or DM is not always an invitation for conversation; if you’re on the receiving end please try to remember this, a simple acknowledgement is enough. If you’re the one sending these engagements, try to remember that this act is the communication — there is no need for explanation or further interaction. Let the piece do the talking.
Snail mail is the best mail.
Little notes that find their way into the mailbox is a beautiful surprise — or perhaps a gift that is delivered directly from someone’s favorite online shop for no other reason than “I love you.”
I often say “time is a gift for which there is no return receipt.” If we aren’t spending time talking and listening to others but, rather, with ourselves, it makes sense that when we have an urge to connect, we can share things that we are using to fill our own cups. Intimately understanding what makes another person smile and tapping into the element of surprise is the key to passive engagement for me.
Find your brand and unique blend — invest the time and energy into yourself and allow the dividends to trickle into others’ cups through avenues marked by music, art, baking, writing, gardening, whatever it is that brings you joy. Passively and lovingly share of yourself and your beautiful commitment to development.
You are a gift and you are so very loved.
